When I failed and failed again.

I am very sensitive by nature and my sensitivity reflects in every chapter of my life. My failures were not exempted. To me, failure was an hinderance. An obstruction to success. You see, I grew up having my future all spread out ahead of me.

My early year’s education was easy, with the innocence of a child, I climbed the steps without thinking much of it. High school was easy as well, despite peer pressure and hunger, the journey was smooth. Poverty played a big role among other hiccups, however, the determination to succeed was never waiver.

I explored all possibilities and having people who believed in me around, I exceeded expectations. I had it all planned. My life was going to be easy, problem-free and better than the people I see around. I planned to excel at everything.

The real challenge came when I became unemployed in the first few months after graduation from university and with the death of my mother, I began to feel the heat. However, I scaled it all. I swallowed the bitter pill and became an adult ready to tread the path. It was hard. Sometimes, the future became blurry. Sometimes, it was as bright as the sunshine.

I have failed in many ways after those challenges. I have failed to speak when I was supposed to, allowing the situation to drag me along. I have spoken when I was supposed to keep mute, allowing the situation to put blames on me. I have failed simple tasks people around me handled with ease. I have failed many job interviews with the wrong utterances. I have failed at many things that make life worth living or so I thought.

I have accepted what was meant to be rejected and rejected what I should have accepted. I demanded nothing out of it all. I gave everything which resulted in many more failures. Frustration. Hopelessness and blames.

With me, each failure translated into the same thing. It meant more than just a failure. It forced me back into my shell, where I put myself through a moment of torture before letting go sometimes.

Sometimes, I stayed in my shell way too long and some other times, I rushed out of my shell without cautions, experiencing the same emotion, the same mistakes and failing, again and again. Repeating the circle by losing a moment of my life, values and resources through the ordeal.

I don’t know what type of failures you have experienced in life. Some failures change the tune forever. Your failure might be the marriage that is not working despite your inputs, you might have failed in your businesses, you might have failed terribly within friends and families. Maybe you have failed yourself through lack of self-worth. Your failure might be anything. Anything that gives you that feeling, the feeling of worthlessness. What I know is that failure is what you interpret it to be.

I have decided to give failure a new name. I have decided to stop running back to my shell each time I fail at something. I have decided to stand up, dust off and keep moving. My interpretation of failure has changed, I see failure as a learning curve, just like life. I am beginning to learn from every stumble. I am willing to try again with all the experiences gathered through my learning curves. I am ready to free myself from the torture, from worries and all the talk-downs. I have decided to stay away from all negativities despite my trials.

This is my interpretation of failure. What is yours?



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